she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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