I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
