last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
