"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't deserve a penis
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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