We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
