If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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