I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
love makes seman taste better
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
