She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
