Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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