There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
