Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
