i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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