Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
