also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
