You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
