if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
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