Ketchup is God's man juice
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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