No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
