just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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