It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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