i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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