I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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