You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If its not for food we ain't going out.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
