I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
