So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I need to sanitize my soul.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
