so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
