the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
