I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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