You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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