I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
