you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
