my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
