I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize