I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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