Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
