We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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