the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
