when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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