My friends, they love my intelligence
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
