life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
