remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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