i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
