Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I wish you could order shots online.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
