She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
