Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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