I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
