ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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