his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have aggressive nipples.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
