Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
