I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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