I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We need a shit load of segways right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
