The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
