can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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