he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
