I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
