Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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