he thought i was a dude.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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