if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
