Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
