He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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