420 ftw
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
