Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
