i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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