Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
