My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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