bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
