he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
