you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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