I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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