remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
